A Beautiful Life

 

Oh 2020, you ARE a stinker, aren't you?
Do not get me wrong, MY 2020 has been astonishing. I have worked like a mad woman in an attempt to keep up to the demand for my carvings and I simply cannot. The isolation of Covid actually made my working life simpler as I did not have to deal with finding a way to open to the public at the new studio and I just carved all day, every day. When I posted them to the website, they all disappeared within minutes. Every single time. It is amazing, bordering on ridiculous and I am very humbled by the whole experience. 
One year ago, in the Fall of 2019, with my new studio finally coming together after 6 months of renovating, and after losing my step-dad in September, my partner and the rest of my family and friends were awaiting the debut of the Hallmark movie which has subsequently changed my life. It was several months of excitement, sadness, accomplishment and stress and in October, just as I was about to turn 48, I noticed numbness in my feet. Now I have not always been kind to my body and am a chronic migraine sufferer, but numbness was new. It began to roll up my feet, into my legs, and then settled in my torso, making the skin from my pelvis to my sternum almost completely numb.

Now if you have ever had a dentist use a needle to numb your mouth for a filling or extraction, you know what the sensation of touching your skin but not being able to feel that touch is like. When it is your entire stomach, it creates a body dysmorphia and I kept touching my belly to reassure my brain that it was there and not expanding exponentially. To say it was weird does not come close but I had no choice but to seek medical advice. My doctor is wonderful but busy so I had to head to the local outpatient ward of the wonderful hospital we have here. 

I have always coped with all things in life using humour. The harder the issue, the blacker my humour gets but it works for me. My friend Andy was on call and he was training a VERY green young medical student so he had her give me a few tests and she would scoot back to where he was sitting at the desk to report back. The ER was virtually empty and in my town everyone knows everyone so it is a casual atmosphere. I hear Andy say to the young greenhorn, "now take this very expensive Queens General paper clip and go poke her with it" 
I responded with a holler, "I can HEAR you!!"

Eventually he came into the room and sat down and said,"I have no friggin idea what is going on with you, so I am sending you to a neurologist"
Now in Canada, that is almost certainly a six month wait. During Covid however, it was July before I saw said expert. Two MRI's later, I took the call on a Monday morning in October confirming what I already knew. I have Multiple Sclerosis. I turned 49 two days later.

I waited for the panic. The sadness, the WHY ME. I waited to be afraid or hopeless but it hasn't come. I cannot shake the feeling that my life, MS or not, is so completely and wonderfully blessed that I just cannot feel anything but grateful. 
Of course it is serious and I don't pretend it isn't. In fact just the opposite, I am the personality type to learn as much as I can about a subject to be as informed as possible. What I learned about MS is that it is different in every person. Some people are only slightly affected while others are completely devastated by it. 
I also learned that the drugs are not particularly attractive to me as the side effects hardly seem worth the mere 30% efficacy in preventing symptoms, and 0% efficacy in preventing future progression.
I have opted to follow a strict diet that was created by the Embry family for their son Matt who was diagnosed at 19 in 1995 and has not had any symptoms in 25 years. His documentary is entitled "Living Proof" and his website is MS Hope if you are curious. 
I never say never so if my diet and exercise regime does not keep me from having symptoms, I will be lining up for the drugs, but I really need to try my own plan first. 

Here is what I know for certain: the stories you tell yourself become your truth. If you wake each day telling yourself how fortunate you are to have this life, these loves, and the roof over your head and food in your belly, you really believe that story. You live that reality. Gratitude is the answer to a contented life. It makes every day seem like a gift not to be taken for granted. 

I also believe that empathy is the path to grace. I jokingly said to someone that "there will probably be people delighted I am sick" to which she agreed saying, "oh there will be more than a few of those". 
Later, as I contemplated our joke, I tried to imagine feeling so negatively toward anyone that I could be happy they were ill. Then I decided that empathy was the only answer for anyone whose heart and mind could harbour such darkness. What could have happened in your life to make such a thing happen? And finally, I am sorry for whatever that is that keeps you small and sad. I actually found myself feeling sorry that anyone was so hurt or damaged. That allowed me grace and compassion instead of feeling hurt or defensive. It gave no real estate away in my heart and mind to concern myself over that notion. 
The sense that every person is just like you, with fears and disappointments and that their failings, like your own, are simply attempts to seek what we all want but do not always know how to get: love, respect, acknowledgement, and understanding. If everyone is just like you, how can we not feel empathy toward them? 

I have MS. I also have an amazing life in which I do what I love most in the world, with the man I love most by my side and with family and friends who are always so loving and supportive. I have taken the road less travelled (even when there is a big sign that says WRONG WAY) all of my life and it lead me to exactly where I am meant to be. 

I joked all year as I waited for diagnosis that I made my new studio wheel chair accessible but I didn't know it was for MY wheelchair! I of course, have NO intention of ever needing a wheel chair but it makes a good joke. I will work as hard at being strong and healthy as I do at making my business a success and it is a huge success, so MS doesn't stand a chance. Life is unpredictable and never long enough so I will just keep living each day with gratitude and love and keep on carving until I no longer can hold a knife, preferably in my 80's. 






Comments

  1. “Beautiful, honest, heart-breaking, uplifting,” is what my partner Heather said after reading about your recent journey. Heather can empathize with you because her daughter, Laura, was diagnosed with MS 4 years ago at the age of 28. Laura is a competitive highland dancer living in Scotland, and lives with the motto, “I won’t let MS win.”
    Btw, we will be future neighbours to your workshop because we purchased vacant land on Waterloo Street close to the junior high school (want some trees after we cut them?
    All the best,
    Joel+Heather
    Jbaltzer@hotmail.com

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